Tuesday, 31 January 2017

20

I hate the idea of adulthood, and what that means I have to leave behind. It seems only like yesterday I was 17, resonating so deeply with ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba, being completely in the prime of life, feeling the tambourine and being in the spotlight. But I have changed. And that’s good.
Last year was a time of uncertainty, unsure of my place in the world, not being able to understand the workings of other people and why they don’t see the world I do. Now, I feel a great sense of calmness. Going to university has been the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s chewed me up, made me terrified, made me sad and confused, and now I have come out knowing of the workings of life, and I feel better prepared. It does feel right when I talk about dramas that my friends are having who are in years below me; it’s their time. And it feels right for me to go. Christmas was good, my friends are good, I am content. But that means I'm no longer growing; I need to move on.


The main thing that I have learned this year, is just how much power I actually hold over people, and I need to take responsibility in that. I’ve never wanted a boyfriend at university; this is time for me to grow, alone. And whilst I can proudly and confidently say I never lead people on with that possibility….people do want love, when I haven’t. And this can lead to awful consequences. All I want is for everyone to be happy, and the way I have been treated when all I have ever been is nice, is wrong. But it’s time to move on from Grindr into a new sense of relationship maturity; what do I actually want now?

If you aren’t in a friend group, there is probably a good reason why you are not there. You shouldn’t be jealous of others being close together, as you have the same closeness with your friends; you can’t win everyone. Trying to barge my way into another group was bold, and I am proud that I went out of my comfort zone, trying to befriend someone I always admired; but what I found made me appreciate who I already have. Thanks to my friends, I am seeing more clearly now when people have wronged me, and I need to stand up for myself more; if I don't care about them, I shouldn't be wasting time trying to make amends with them. But I still have long to go on this road. If people leave you, you’ve also left them; and there’s a reason why. My second year was bold, but also filled with boredom. My third year is so, SO much happier. I sometimes wonder where they’ve gone, and I never hear from them – I’m way ahead, honey.

As I start applying for masters, I have no clue what the future holds. I’ve been in this safe bubble for three years now, and I’ve never had to leave it. Being in Kenya for the last two weeks has showed me my life isn't at a creative and transformative standstill; I'll always keep growing. The future, is now exciting! Here’s to a new city. Here’s to new experiences, and new people. Here’s to a whole new me. The adult me. What will London do to me?

It’s time for others to find themselves in this crazy, beautiful city. I love you Brighton; you made me.

Rob X
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