Thursday 30 January 2020

23; The year of 'almosts' 🎯

Looking back at my previous years' blog, I'm shocked that I called it 'the year I broke'. But, I understand why now. In my dramatically flamboyant everyday life, the sad moments do feel particularly dark and debilitating. Even if they only last 1 day, it's impossible to be reflective until I'm out of the rut, looking back. And this shows in the moments I've written down throughout the year which I felt were defining for my life aged 23 - they're all sad. It was only looking through my photos and screenshots that happiness comes back. Why is that? 🏝

I suppose firstly, I did 'break' again this year. My probation at work was extended due to my poor time management. Once that was revealed halfway through the meeting, the rest became a blur. Was this new job too good to be true? I didn't tell my parents for months. I've always said that my sister talks too much and I too little, but... it doesn't seem productive to worry them. Still, I worked through it. I did everything that was asked of me... and I passed. My manager commented that I had been very receptive to making changes, which I suppose is always my reaction to tension. I have a couple of days feeling bleak, almost giving up... and then, you just keep going. 6 months on, my appraisal (which lasted over an hour) was 99% positive. It's surreal. I love my job, and I'm certain now it's not just me because all the team verbalises it themselves.  I love going to work, and I am actively working towards my objectives. Every day, in many ways, is the same. Yet I'm so happy and content. 🥰

First launch event!

One fact that any close friend would know, is that I'm always dreaming of owning my own brand. I don't actually want one per se, but now that I am fully in a work routine, my creativity is more explosive than ever before. I feel so fulfilled, to just have the free-space in my brain to be to able to transport myself to music videos, concepts, celebrity meet-ups (the current vision is meeting Vanessa for a space-themed roll-on deodorant inspired by her song Party On The Moon). Part of the fun is knowing they'll never happen - my mind is truly open to exploring its own feelings. Some creativity does transpire into reality, however - I was able to shoot a beautiful highlight for the collaboration between Nina Ricci and Amarino, and ever since I casually placed some temporary tattoos on my wrist for Halloween... I've wanted wrist tattoos. I couldn't stop looking at them, thinking how beautiful they were. I'm almost on the edge; I've gotta push myself to get them done. 🌪 

Katie Price: My Crazy Life is serious business

This year gave me many conflicting experiences, where ideas or my friends were challenged in their lives, and I'm not too proud of how I handled them. When I see my interests brought to the table at work on the spot... I let them go. That certainly won't happen again. When a friend turns around in a room alone, crying, my first thing to say is 'Do you want to be alone?'...??? Weak. When family needed me during a break-up, did I proactively go out and spend extra time with them? Weak. When a friend is kind to me, but not to others, do I rock the boat? Well, maybe this last one was was the right thing to do. However, they're all almosts, but not good enough. I can't be excused when this happens again. 🗣 

Winning a competition miles away from our house, getting wasted and failing to get back home...

This year also had some particularly bolder, fun, moments hidden away, too. Sneaking into a hidden bit of a concert following the confidence of a friend, going out to Disneyland Paris on a complete whim to say goodbye to an attraction which I hold in my heart, winning the monthly award at work for my work on a big client when I WASN'T THERE (typical), trying out a burglar scenario with a lover... it's been fun. 😉 I'm so grateful for my friends, who push me to these new worlds. Friends are the secret to getting away from the almosts - they sometimes feel so far away from my everyday life, but looking back through the year reveals that we did spend so many happy, blissful, moments together. 🎁

Every day is never almost. It's beautiful. All my boxes, now a year after living in my house, are unpacked. Routine is king. 24 is going to be so calm. I can't wait. 🎀

Cover photography: Angel

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