Saturday, 30 January 2016

19

Here we are again.

Every year I think I've hit my peak, that surely I can't have any more wild, singular life changing moments that change my whole perception of life and make me not recognise the person I was one year. But they do.

This year, life has certainly slowed down. It's time for the new first years to experience all those amazing rushes of new emotion, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was utterly jealous of them. I loved my halls (we may fight, but we always came back together), I loved the bus, I loved saying yes to everything as I just couldn't bear to miss out. Everything has now changed: and I'm less happy.

In fact, there was one moment this year that was utterly terrifying (and new! - so pros and cons). I remember being so cool-headed and logical about this problem, yet when I called up the hotline relating to it, and the woman saying 'are you worried?', it all became a reality and I broke down in public. It was at that point I realised just how alone I was in this city. The people I can truly count on no matter what the situaton I can count on one hand. When I think of things I want to do I truly struggle to think of people who think like I do, and would want to do it as-well. Heck, for the 2nd time running it's highly certain I'll be house hunting by myself. And this time I have even less hope. I just can't find anyone who thinks just like me.




It's so weird seeing this tweet, that I pinned on my account for so long. In first year, I literally did everything. I was course rep, I joined every society. Now, I am so much more flippant saying no to things. I've left the food co-op as I can't spend the love it deserves on it, andI won't go on club nights if I have a lecture the next day as I know I just won't get up. Yes, I am more logical.  But I've lost my drive for the new and the exciting. I feel like I now need to move on. Think I'll be one of these people who changes job every 2 years, counting down the days.

With this logic has also brought me greater attention in lectures. My folders stay up to date and I'm finding time to do readings now. Even so, this has come at a huge cost, because the things I am being educated about are utterly saddening. I'm learning about the corroption of the the enforcers of law, how journalism isn't fighting for justice anymore, and how me, the individual, is totally powerless to change anything. And what makes it all the more worse is I really don't feel like anyone else cares. I carry this huge guilt weight on my shoulders all the time while everyone else can happily not vote and not divide out their recyling. I feel, as a world, we are truly doomed.

I have started 2016 on a high though. I'm currently on work experience in London, and while the work itself is quite dull, London is amazing. I'm having so much fun finally conquering the tube system, having time to myself in the evening where all I have to think about is what I'm eating and whether I can stay awake until the end of the current Celebrity Big Brother episode I'm watching. And I have time write on my BLOG, on here! I'm really enjoying it. I think it's the new experience that has drived this new curiousty, and new emotion. Every street is a new opportunity. I always need new.

Also, I've finally started recognisng the little pleasures more and more. A sunny day, finding a song you love and putting it on repeat, or just seeing a new advert and spending some quality alone time thinking about its messages. I can always rely on these small things, and they always make me happy and confirm that I love my body, and who I am. I still get excited by the little things, which I'm really glad has carried on from last year. So, for now, this is my new pinned tweet:




I've left my teenage years behind me. And I wish I had still had them. I'm meant to have grown up now, to know who I am and what I believe in. But really? I'm more uncertain then every before. Happy Birthday me.

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